Camping Without Guard Alaska Bear Spray! A Cautionary Tale by Carl Vouer

Guard Alaska bear spray is an amazing product in the truest sense if the word ‘amazing’. It doesn’t put a show room shine on your car or provide a ‘low-calorie, great-tasting’ alternative to other beverages, it just saves your life. This product can help you avoid being mauled to death. I love it because it holds real value, so much so that I wrote this poem about it. I call this piece…

Camping Without Guard Alaska Bear Spray!
A cautionary tale by Carl Vouer.

Hark; through the trees I hear the bear approach

He is nimble and swift and beyond reproach.

Yea, though I am fleet of foot

This bear will cease me in his moot,

And crunch upon my head so….damn!

I really should have had a better plan!

I knew I would be in the woods this week

But failed to use my brain so meek.

Now I have only myself to blame

As I sit here getting eaten by the campfire flame,

To not secure bear mace was truly insane

But alas, I’ve already spoken of my very weak brain.

Listen here, Bear, although I really can’t blame you

This really friggin hurts and you swallowed my shoe.

Bear Spray is so cheap and easy to use

If I had just gotten some I’d still have my shoes.

But, alas, it’s too late and I don’t have it now,

So do what you will, you’ll never get to see,

That Guard Alaska was truly the one for me.

It’s the only bear deterrent registered with the EPA

To work as a repellent for all species of bear, hip hip hooray!

Wait, why am I celebrating? I don’t have any,

Now my exposed bone wounds will be many.

Now run along and leave me to be!

Go play in the forest or climb up a tree!

You’ll never understand as you mangle my features

That this spray is humane for you beautiful creatures.

Nor will you see how it keeps your habitat safe and sound

With an environmentally safe formula that won’t hurt the air or the ground.

The next time, if there is one that I hike around bears

I’ll use common sense and be more prepared.

I’ll get me a bottle of Guard Alaska bear spray,

So I can feel protected and enjoy my day.

So do what you will, Bear, but please understand

The next time you see me what I’ll have in a can

Is the most effective bear spray that money can buy

And this won’t happen again and I won’t have to die.

Stay Safe,

Carl Vouer

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